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6/21/03
To: Jimmy Legs Ok so here is what happened - short version. I drove out with Jules, Will and Bernie's brother, who had been up all night doing cheap cocaine. Who talked a lot the whole time. Jules and Will couldn't hear anything in the front seat so I sat there hungover off my ass and listened to him for two hours. Oh my god. He's a funny motherfucker though. He just got dumped by his girlfriend too. "She broke up with me on the 7 train," he said. "She said, 'I don't think it's working out.' And all I could say was, 'Are you really doing this on the 7?'" Then we get there, we're in the middle of nowhere. There were like maybe fifteen locals there, and then the rest of the people were other performers. People were drinking. All they served was fried food so we kept eating jalapeno poppers, order after order, because we talked about it in the car the whole way, how we wanted poppers. At some point this nutty local lady (who of course looks just like this normal cute suburban gal) starts freaking out because someone stole the pictures of her two sons out of some picture frame key chain thingy, starts going off 'cause she thinks some pedophile stole it. She gets up on stage and announces that whoever stole her pictures of her beautiful boys (she keeps talking about how they are the most extraordinarily beautiful kids ever) should put the pictures back on the roof of her Dodge Dart, no questions asked. She's screeching into the microphone. It's awful. We suggested that maybe the pictures would get ruined if she does that because it's raining out and she says, "Well I'd rather have the pictures get wet from the rain then from some man jerking off all over them." About fifteen minutes later, a woman, incidentally the head of the women's center at Lehigh University, finds the pictures of the kids on the road, near the Dodge Dart. Then the woman has decided whoever took the pics, had taken them to Kinkos and made copies of them, and starts talking about that obsessively for a while. Jules decides the woman is totally lying and wants to be the center of attention. I'm not sure either way. Then it's time for another performance. Lisa Carver keeps inviting people to read script versions of her stories. I am playing a waiter at Odessa in one of them. I have one line - "you are beautiful people" - and so I have to go on stage. Turns out the story is about Lisa fucking some random woman in a bathroom of a dive bar in the East Village. The woman with the lost pictures is playing the woman Lisa fucks. She totally ends up grinding against the woman playing Lisa (Misty Martinez, one of the other performers from the day), pulling her clothes up, rubbing her pussy, and then she takes off her pants and is standing there in a bright pink thong. She had an ass like a 13 year old girl. I can see more than everyone else because I am standing on the stage. It was so fucked up. It takes a lot to make me blush, and let me tell you I was blushing. So I now I have to agree - the woman was some insane attention whore and she made up the whole thing about the kids pictures. I slept the whole way back and we were stuck in traffic for hours. Oh yea, and I sold three books. --j
Read about what happened afterwards. |