During my week off I took to the streets in search of indulgences. Haircut at an overpriced salon? Done! Movies in the middle of the day? Sign me up! A soothing body scrub and massage? Well that sure sounded like a good idea. And that's what I got -- minus the soothing part.

The Yi Pak day spa experience is all about getting your ass kicked by forty year old Korean women in matching bras and panties (oh, the search engine results I'll get!) And I don't know, maybe I deserve it, but should I have to pay for it?

So I arrived at Yi Pak (no reservation necessary) as they were opening, around 10 AM. The spa ladies were out front, wiping the windows, and encouraged me to take the elevator upstairs to the second floor.

On entrance, I was instructed to take off my shoes and put them in one of a stack of wooden cubbyholes. I entered another room, which was maybe ten feet away from the elevator. There I paid ($100 for two hours, which is a complete bargain), disrobed, and put my clothes in a locker. All of this was communicated to me for the most part through hand gestures and broken English. The women were sweet, though, and seemed very happy. Who knew what lurked behind those innocent smiles?

I was given a small robe to wear from the locker room to the shower/scrub/massage room, which was about ten steps away. The room was divided into several showers (no stalls, just shower heads) on the left, four beds covered with some sort of latex or plastic on the right, and, straight ahead, a steam room and a dry sauna.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the entire place was pretty much laid out like a railroad apartment, though considerably larger, of course. Everything was right in front of you, including, as I soon learned, the bodies of the masseurs.

Because I had gotten there first, none of masseurs had changed yet, so as I sat in the sauna, I watched as they all changed into matching black, high-waisted old lady panties and black, bulletproof bras. I'd never been to any spa where you saw your masseuse naked, but I guess turnabout is fair play, eh?

So after the initial shower and self scrub, a dry sauna and a wet sauna, I was directed to one of the beds. There my masseuse commenced kicking my ass. Now the only time I've ever had a body scrub or wrap before, it's always been at some sort of new agey chi chi spa, so the esthetician usually dims the light, and half the time I'm under a towel. It's all about being soothed and comforted. Not so at Yi Pak.

The lights are pretty bright, and I was flipped and turned and my legs were stretched about and every part of my body got the scrubbing treatment, and I mean every part. I was actually relaxed for most of the scrub, but when she started stretching my legs in all different directions, my eyes shot open. There's a mirror across the entire wall in front of the beds, so if you're not careful, you might catch a glimpse of part of your body you never thought you wanted to see before, and, on closer inspection, you discover your instincts were probably right.

Soon enough, two of the other beds were full with other ladies getting the royal treatment, so if I hadn't seen enough of my private parts, I was now getting an eyeful of other ladies' special places. This experience is not for the inhibited. (Fortunately I'm a freak who puts her life on the web, so there's no shyness here.)

After the forty five minute scrub, my masseur ended with a quick spank on the ass, which I later learned was just a warning of things to come. I was then gently washed with buckets of warm water, sent to the shower again, and finally to the dry sauna. I was actually starting to feel pretty good. I knew for certain my skin was going to be soft, since I had seen the remains of the dead skin washed off of me at the end of my scrub.

After about five minutes, my masseur moved me back out, and on to the latex bed. This time she had me lie on it face down. Then, with the balls of her hand and the sharp bony edges of her knuckles, she started in with a deep tissue baby oil massage that deeply, deeply hurt.

Occasionally she would slap my ass or the backs of my legs with her hand. I thought to myself, "Well this is all part of the massage, so just hang in there." However, at one point, when she massaged a muscle that was sore from the gym, and I yelled out in pain, she laughed out loud, as did the other masseurs working. Yea, that's real funny. Make the stressed out Jewish girl cry. Please, that's what I have a love life for, I don't need to pay for it.

Then she got up on my back and massaged it with the balls of her feet, using my ass as the baseline for her other foot. So while she balanced on one foot on my ass, she literally walked all over me with the other. I found it interesting, but I thought it was mainly for show, and didn't have too much inherent value otherwise.

Finally the massage came to an end, and she gave me a brief cucumber facial. I was so relieved, even though I felt so good at the end of it. She sent me back into the sauna, and then into the shower, then, and I am not making this up, toweled me off. She then followed me into the dressing area and hovered until I tipped her. These women mean business.

So of course I tipped her well. I was punished and rewarded repeatedly for two hours. How could I not like it? I mean, of course I hated it. I hated every minute of it. She kicked my ass. But I'd go back again. I admit it. I'm a sucker for abuse, and by the way, a week and a half later, my skin is still as soft as a baby's ass.

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