Stayed up late watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien last night. Sunil and I just sat there and laughed and laughed. Starting with a skit (the one where they pop up a television monitor featuring the head of a famous person with the lips cut out so that a live actor can interact with Conan) starring George Bush and Chinese President Jiang Zemin (Zemin taunted Bush with, "We got two apologies from you. In China,...Apologize twice, you become my bitch!"), and rolling all the way through Scott Thompson's subversive, bitchy, brilliant interview (More like a monologue, really, wherein he assured the audience that even though he's now acting on a mainstream show, Providence, he's still the same old fucked-up homosexual we've grown to know and love, by uttering obscenities and the word "fag" as much as possible.), that show did not miss a beat.

And then Tara Reid arrived.

The future Mrs. Carson Daly (Mrs. Reid-Daly? Ah, who the fuck cares. They won't make it down the aisle anyway, I'm predicting. I think that whole right foot in front of the left foot thing might be a little tricky for her.) was not only dumb, but stupid, as well. She's been watching a little too much of that TRL, if you ask me, although as well she should because she is a part of their target demographic. Sunil and I started counting how many times she used the word "like", and then we stopped, when we got distracted by the glow of her skin.

It's like that with her. She's just sort of cute and little and shiny-looking, and you forget that she's a fucking moron, because almost everything she says is scripted most of the time. But here she was, out on her own, traveling between space and time from NBC Studios to our television set, and man, what a moron. It didn't matter what happened, this segment was destined to sound like a Teen People interview. She changed the tone of the entire show in one fell uneducated swoop.

Did you know she has three dogs, two of whom are named Tequila and Stoli? Dogs are cute. Dogs named after alcoholic beverages are even cuter. Did you know that she had hair extensions for her new movie? She has cute blond hair. And then, surprisingly, she said she preferred Bon Jovi to Bruce Springsteen. (A nation is stunned! Stunned, I tell you!)

I don't usually take offense at the dumb blond actress chick, but that show was so damn good before she came along. She serves a purpose, just like I, a smart brunette writer chick, serve a purpose as well. I can form sentences with both big words and little words as well as describe almost anything that happens in a linear - and hopefully sometimes interesting - fashion. Dumb blond actress chicks look really good up on a big movie screen or on the pages of a magazine.

You stay where you are, and I'll stay where I am, and never the twain shall meet.

I'm not sure where Conan falls in this agreement, but I do know that Tara Reid is exceptionally visible right now and remarkably dumb, dumber than most. I'd wager we'd all be a little bit better off if Tara Reid sticks to MTV. There are a number of karaoake shows and/or spring break-style programming options for her consideration.

If only the Jews really did control Hollywood. Then I could get something accomplished around here.

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