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Gotham never sleeps.

I'm going to talk a wee bit about getting an agent today because I've already started getting emails asking me for help and advice.

First I refer those of you who are completely innocent of the process to Andrea Seigel's excellent FAQ, which was one of my sources for how to write a query letter. However I didn't use one of those agent guides that Andrea mentions; instead two editors I knew gave me suggestions. See it's a little bit easier to get information when you live in New York, because every third person you meet either has an agent, lives next door to an agent, or has dated one for exactly 2.5 months. For example, I have five close friends who have agents, and three of them haven't even finished (or started) their books. And that's why we pay these New York rents, so we can have an agent even if we don't have anything to sell.

So. I had six names. I pared that down to three people based on research. One agent was supposedly very hot, but sounded like she had too many clients and wouldn't be able to pay me a lot of attention, and lord knows I need attention. Another skewed too old in her client list. I can't remember why I cut the third, but it might have had something to do with wanting a slightly larger agency.

Then I queried the remaining three, and eventually I heard back from all of them requesting a final manuscript. Of those three, only one ever made phone contact with me, an agent who represents a lot of pop culture writers. Let's call him Donny.

The first time I heard from Donny was when he called me to try and figure out what had happened to my final manuscript I had submitted via email. I had been contacted by an assistant at his agency, but it turns out it was another agent's assistant, so it had bypassed him. Or something like that. I wasn't really impressed with the communication flow within the agency, but he had a nice client list and he seemed to have a valid excuse, so I just sort of went with it.

I waited three more weeks. I heard from no one. I started to get antsy. (If you read my entries at the beginning of February on this site I'm a total fruit loop. I was so much fun to be around then. I think I tested pretty much every friendship I have. Still I can't imagine how you can feel relaxed during this process.) And then this amazing editor I know gave a little nudge to Donny, asking him what he thought of my book.

Later that day Donny called me, and said, "Hey, I know this is going to sound strange, but can you resend me your manuscript?" He then went on to tell me they had moved offices, they had lost the digital version, he needed to send on the manuscript to an agent who was a short story expert, how he was wary of representing a short story writer because collections were hard to sell, he had had his heart broken before, on and on, and could I resend please?

I listened to everything he said and then I realized he had not once said he liked my book. And so I checked him: "Well I'm glad you liked the book though," I said.

"Oh yea, you're very talented. The book is great." End of discussion.

No effing way that guy read my book, right?

I dutifully resent him the book anyway. I was frustrated though, as I felt my delicate chain being fiercely yanked by some motormouth with an inadequate filing system.

Needless to say I never heard back from him and I went on to get a wonderful agent, in fact the very next one I queried. (He read the book two days after he received it.) And then, the morning my book sale was announced, I received the following email:

Dear Jami,

Getting yourself a wonderful deal is the most effective slap in the face to an agent that was too slow and irresponsible to get back to you. S- and D- are both excellent and I trust your book will be a success.

Congratulations.

Donny

I though it was rather classy of him, and I've since decided he's probably a nice guy who is just in desperate need of dayplanner or a Palm Pilot or maybe one of those Sidekicks the kids are so crazy about these days.

I emailed him back:

So can it also be an effective slap in the face to all of my ex-boyfriends and also my writing professor from senior year who told me I would never make it as a writer?

And he replied:

Yes, ram it down their throats, now's your chance.

I told this story to Hana, who sold her memoir on the wedding industry last fall, and she said she'd like to shove it in the face of her English teacher from junior high school who failed her on the final exam. "I said I hated Faulkner," she told me. "I wasn't a good student." (Seriously, though - any sort of best revenge scenario was the furthest thing from my mind and I'm sure hers too.)

Anyway if you're trying to get an agent or get attention for your book and you really believe in it, hang in there, because it may take a while, but it can happen. If you've already done the work and by that I mean you've written an entire book, it's worth following every path available, even just to learn a lesson for the next time. It's mostly going to be frustrating - I know I was ripping my hair out for all of January and February because I just wanted someone to talk to me - but that's just how the industry works. I took the attitude that getting the book published was my job and that I needed to give the process as much energy as it needed, even if others weren't doing the same.

Remember: Writing the book, that's art. Selling it, now that's business.

(3/14/05)