I've been thinking a lot about condoms lately, and the way that men deal with them. I think you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he puts them on, takes them off, and disposes of them.

I know how I deal with them, but it might be differently than most women. I've no issues with putting them on men, and, if done appropriately, it can really add a different erotic dimension to a sexual experience. While I've written before that I'm not a big fan of giving handjobs, I know that the feel of a new hand on a penis is definitely pleasing to a man. Special attention with your hand - an extra warm-up before the umpire yells "Play ball!", as it were - can make the experience even better.

Additionally, I've recently become a fan of using lubricants. I hadn't really utilized them before. However, last fall, as I did research for that sex book I contributed to, I heard from several experts that lubricants completely rock. "There's no such thing as too much lubrication," one told me.

Sure, a woman's natural lubrication is the surest sign that she's aroused, and boys should test those waters before entry. If she's not ready, then he's not done. But there are times a women can be aroused without ever producing natural lubrication. For example, this can happen as women get older, or when women are dehydrated. So if I've been drinking at all, there are times a little lube comes in handy. And really, it's fun to use lube even if you're already naturally lubricated, because it makes everything just a little bit more slippery.

So now I feel like I have another element to add to the ritual of preparing a man for the sexual experience. I can remove the condom from the package (enjoying the ripping sound of the paper), stroke the penis a few times to ensure maximum erection, unfurl the condom slowly on the penis, and then smoothe it down when I'm done. Then, after squeezing a small amount of lubricant on one hand, and then rubbing it on the other, I can apply it lavishly to the penis, from the base to the tip.

The whole scenario takes less than a minute. But it can turn what is sometimes an awkward scenario (and, at times, an unfortunate opportunity for a man to lose the full potency of his erection), into a caressing, sexual experience.

Boys tend to just slap it on and get going, which is cool, too. Sometimes you just want to get to fucking, and I always say, go with your instincts. There's something very sexy when someone wants to get on you right fucking now. Plus, I don't ever expect anyone to put as much thought into sex as I do. (Sad, I guess, but true.)

And then there are the other boys who are down with me taking responsibility for putting on condoms, who, in fact, have asked me to do it. I don't feel comfortable making any sort of judgement between the two types, but I have to wonder what it says about them.

After the act, I have to say I prefer the boy who paid attention in sex ed class when they told you to hold on to the base of condom when exiting a woman. That ensures that the condom won't come off too soon, which invariably results in a woman having to reach inside of her to pull it out. It can also be risky; we don't want any spillage, now do we? In the heat of the moment, I always forget to tell them to do it that way. And honestly, I don't think I should have to remind them. I don't think it's my job.

And finally, there's the condom disposal issue. Some boys take off their condoms, tie the top in a knot, and put in on the floor. I would call this a breach of sexual etiquette. I don't want to look at it afterwards, and I definitely don't want it on my floor. Man, I have to walk on that floor. I have to wake up in the morning, turn my head, and see a piece of rubber filled with day-old ejaculation. I'm not into it, and unless you have major issues, I'm guessing none of you are either.

The boy who would do this wouldn't be very likely to clean it up the next morning. That leaves one other person in the room who has to dispose of it: Me. I'm not happy with this situation, but I rarely realize it has happened until after he is gone.

There are other boys who make a half-hearted effort to take care of business. They shove it in the condom box or a paper bag or like, an ashtray or something. At least they're not putting it on the floor, so I appreciate it. But they could follow through a bit more (Ah! Such a producer am I.), even if they're not in their own home and are unfamiliar with available covered receptacles, because the fact is that I'm still cleaning up afterwards. It's a simple enough question to ask, and the ladies will love you for it.

The coolest boys of all are the ones who are ready to make that walk to the bathroom or the kitchen. There are obstacles. They might run the risk of running into a roommate, while they are naked or barely clothed. They might trip over something in the dark. There is a definite element of danger involved, in terms of keeping self-esteem high after making a bunch of noises and funny faces. But they know the right action. They know how to behave. And those are the boys I like best.

Of course, all boys should feel free to do whatever the fuck they like in their own homes. I don't have to mop their floors the next day.

archives | w-w home | mail