I have four weddings this year. I haven't had to go to a wedding in a decade, and now I have fucking four in a year. Before I really get into this, let me say that I can't fathom having a roommate, let alone a husband. Plus, I've pretty much only met shitty guys lately, who are shitty to me, so being single - and envisioning a life where I am single - feels clean and fresh and safe. Nevertheless, four weddings in one year + a single 31-year-old woman = you do the math. OK? OK! Let's go.

Wedding #1: Mara and Brian

Mara is my roommate from college and one of my best friends in the whole world. They live in Belgium. She sends me chocolates. I love chocolate. I love Mara. Mara and Brian knew they were going to get married the first week they dated, I swear. I think they decided to move in together really quickly, like less than six months into their relationship.

You remember that scene in When Harry Met Sally (gag, I'm quoting Nora Ephron movies, but I can't help it sometimes) when Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby meet at dinner, and she quotes his writing to him, and then they jump into a cab together, and like, two scenes later they're married? It was like that with them. They met, they knew, stick a fork in them, they're done. I saw them in Chicago last month, and they are so going to be married for the rest of their lives. They're a team. And they kiss when they haven't seen in each other in a few hours. They're getting married in April in Chicago.

Of note: I will be the most involved in this wedding. I am doing a reading at the wedding. I haven't written it yet, but I'm sure it will be a crowd-pleaser. And then I will get drunk, and because Mara and her family are Latvian, I will dance some sort of folk dance and look like an idiot. It's ok. I'm used to it.

Wedding #2: Miss S and Steven

These two also have "team" written all over them. I'm always amazed when I meet mellow couples. They used to work together at cbs.com, back in the early dotcom days, so they were friends for a long time before anything happened, which is the opposite of Mara and Brian, but also equally effective. And once they actually got into it, they were totally into it.

They are also an international couple: Miss S. lived in England for a year while Steven lived in Russia. They also moved around for a long time, and traveled in Thailand for two months together. If you can travel for two months together - especially in countries which can be challenging - you can travel a lifetime together. (Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I like to think I know anyway, you know?)

Now they live in a cozy apartment in Carroll Gardens and everytime I go over there, Miss S. is like, making some sort of homemade soup, and there are books everywhere, and they just bought a brand new bed. They're totally nesting. They are getting married in Vermont at some little overpriced inn that serves apple pancakes. Miss S. told me that every room rental comes with a bike, and there are hiking trails. I think this means this is an activity wedding.

Of note: This will be the wedding that will break me financially. Also, the bride's father and I don't really get along (he thinks I'm trouble), so we will stay away from each other for the weekend.

Wedding #3: Mollie and Steve from Seattle

This is how Steve proposed to Mollie: They were at a String Cheese Incident (their favorite band) show. They were sober, but anticipated taking ecstasy at some point. During the break, Steve got down on his knee and pulled something out of his pocket. Mollie thought he was getting out the pills, so when he proposed she was really confused, and then she TOTALLY got it all of a sudden, and said yes. Steve had rigged it so that the band would congratulate them from the stage during the next set, and then everyone cheered. Because so many people tape these shows, Mollie now has a CD of her favorite band wishing her congratulations, and an arena full of people cheering. Not bad.

And he got her a big, fat rock.

I said, "Mollie, hippies don't wear diamonds, do they?"

"I know, I know," she said. "But it's just so pretty."

Dredlocks or not, all girls like the diamonds.

Of note: They're getting married on Kitsap Peninsula in September. All of the "kids" are camping out the night before. It will rock, and it will take me a week to recover.

Wedding #4: John and Fiancee

I have to admit it. My favorite ex-boyfriend is getting married and I have no clue what his fiancee's name is. He's been dating her for about a year, and I've somehow managed to never learn her name. Selective memory? You decide.

To be fair (to me), he's the type of guy who says things like, "Me and the girlfriend went down to the local bar on Friday night." Or, "My old lady and I went snowshoeing all day." (They really do shit like snowshoeing.) So maybe he just never mentioned her name to me? I'm going with that one. Yea.

Anyway, I knew it was all over when he first started dating her, and described her immediately as "strong." Strong is big with John. Strong is what he's all about. He has been waiting his whole life for someone with enough strength for him and now he's found her. I'm sure they'll be happy. I just know it.

Of note: This might be the wedding I skip. Initially I thought I would go because (1) I love having an excuse to go to Seattle and (2) I thought there would be a bunch of hot welders there because both John and his fiancee are welders. But now I've got the hippie wedding, and I'd much rather go that because, let's face it, this one could be kind of depressing for me, and as masochistic as I am, I wouldn't want to be sad on someone else's day of happiness. That's just selfish.

So that's it for now. I'll keep you updated as the year progresses and my patience dissipates and my self-esteem is reduced to a dead, dirty leave in a gutter. I would suggest that if I know you, and you have just gotten engaged, please, please, don't let me know about it. I've had enough for one year. I'm happy for all of my friends now, tipping the scales at four weddings. One more, and there's likely to be a funeral.

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